ITF Jokes & Humor

Message From the Other Side

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 09:05:42 -0800

This had me crying, I was laughing so hard. I love Youtube!

Graduation

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 15:36:23 -0700

They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-three students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With rich maroon gowns flowing and the traditional caps, they looked almost as grown up as they felt. Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and moms freely brushed away tears. This class would not pray during the commencements not by choice but because of a court ruling prohibiting it. The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families. The speeches were nice, but they were routine...until the final speech received a standing ovation. A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it happened. All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly sneezed! The student on stage simply looked at the audience and said, "God Bless You, each and every one of you!" And he walked off stage. The audience exploded into applause. The graduating class found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval. --Author Unknown http://www.allworship.com

Morning

Tue, 17 May 2005 14:47:20 -0700

Today at breakfast my eldest dear granddaughter said, "My brain is not awake yet!" From the real life of Nancy S.

Hamburger Seeds

Fri, 06 May 2005 23:29:32 -0700

Author Unknown I took my 4 year old son, Josh, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guy night." As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh asked "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?" I responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok to eat. He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought. Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever."

Joke

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 08:52:05 -0700

When the fire alarm went off a five year old did not miss a beat he yelled �Dinner is ready!�

They'll Getcha Every Time

Fri, 15 Apr 2005 06:00:00 -0700

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, ... "Tacks evasion."

Just Play It Safe

Thu, 14 Apr 2005 02:02:58 -0700

A Georgia farmer, ragged and barefooted, was standing on the steps of his tumbledown shack. A stranger stopped for a drink of water. "How is your cotton coming along?" he asked. "Ain't got none," replied the farmer. "Did you plant any?" asked the stranger. "Nope," was the reply, "afraid of bollweevils." "Well," continued the stranger, "how is your corn?" "Didn't plant none," came the answer, "'fraid there weren't gonna to be no rain." The visitor persevered: "Well, how are your potatoes?" "Ain't got none. Scairt of potato bugs." "Really, what did you plant?" pressed the stranger. "Nothin'," was the calm reply, "I jest played safe."

New Scientific Theories

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 21:33:30 -0700

An American magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit new scientific theories on ANY subject. Below are the winners:

5th place (Subject: Probability Theory)
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare in Braille.

4th place (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your head unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out. 3rd place (Subject: Symbolic Logic)
The Chinese are technologically underdeveloped because each of their alphabetical characters represents a whole word or phrase, rather than a single letter. Thus they cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

2nd place (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)
Deforestation may cause earthquakes, tidal waves, or even the total destruction of our planet. Just as a figure-skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting down of tall trees may cause the Earth to spin dangerously fast on its axis with disastrous results.

Winner (Subject: Perpetual Motion)
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.

Source: Jokes.ChristiansUnite.com

Punday, 4/4/2005

Mon, 04 Apr 2005 22:21:31 -0700

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. If that wasn't bad enough... Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

Clutter

Sun, 03 Apr 2005 11:50:49 -0700

Author Unknown It arose one morning from the bowels of my desk, a formless mass that spread and covered itself over anything I was looking for. "Who are you?" I asked. "I am Clutter," the mass answered, "and I am here to confound your life. I am the things you refuse to throw out though you haven't used them in six years, the miscellaneous papers, phone numbers, business cards, and chatckas you accumulate and don't put away. I am the inevitable manifestation of your sloppiness. I am Clutter." I grabbed Clutter and moved it from one end of the desk to the other. Clutter chortled. "That's my favorite pastime. Moving from one end of the desk to the other." "What do you want?" I asked. "To frustrate you. I will resist all attempts to remove me, reduce me, or otherwise eliminate me. It's my purpose to hide whatever important piece of paper you need, whichever phone number you must call." "I'm throwing you out," I stormed. Clutter shook his untidy mass sadly, as in pity. "Not without looking through me to see if there's anything you really need," Clutter answered. "The odds are slim, but you won't take that chance. And while your sorting through me, I'll re-form in another pile." "But you'll be smaller, more manageable." "Not really. You'll decide to keep 90% of me, as you always do. And soon, new papers, numbers, documents will gather, making me more obstructive than ever." "You won't ruin my life, Clutter! I'll start a filing system! Put a bit of you where you belong." Clutter gazed at me contemptuously. "The last time you tried that, you created my cousins, Chaos and Disorder. It'll never work." Clutter had me and I knew it. Attempts in the past to file things alphabetically had only created 26 piles of mess instead of one. I was desperate, so I decided to bluff. "I'll take a time management course," I threatened. Clutter quite rightly ignored my remark. I wasn't dealing with an idiot, after all. "Then I'll buy a computer and store you on my floppy disks!" "And within a month your disk-filing system will be in total disarray, plus you'll have another pile of papers waiting to be entered onto disks. Face it, you can't win." Exasperated, I ran to the closet. "I'm getting some air." Clutter had been to the closet before me. Shoes were scattered, shirts were unhung, clumps of pants and underwear lay strewn next to towels and a lawn chair. Socks congealed in small piles, looking like the waste product of some nylon-eating monster. Cliff notes from A Tale of Two Cities lay atop the heater. "Clutter," I yelled. "You have crippled my productivity for the last time. No longer will I be late, no more will I miss appointments, Never again shall I be overwhelmed by your size and withdraw into reading old magazines. I am going out to the store to buy a paper shredder." I looked around for a long moment. "Now where did I leave my keys?" Clutter burped.